I don't deserve my child. I am a total, utter waste of space. My son's not eating or sleeping because I'm doing something wrong. He cries because I don't know how to comfort him. Everyone knows I'm a crap mum, they're just too afraid to tell me. Anyone could do a better job than I'm doing. My son would be better off without me. I'm not fit to be a mother.
This delightful set of thoughts has popped in uninvited to see me more times than I care to remember over the past 18 months. If I'm feeling vulnerable, I let them sit down and make them a cup of tea, ask them to tell me more. If I'm feeling stronger, I'm able to make an excuse and scarper before they have a chance to put a foot in the door. You see, now that I'm getting a bit more sleep and the fog of hormones has cleared, I've recognised that I suffer from Motherexia - a syndrome which makes you view yourself and your mothering skills in an entirely unrealistic light. Like her evil cousin Anor, Mother Exia revels in distorting what we see when we look in the mirror. Mother Exia, though, enjoys not only messing with how we see ourselves physically, but also how we regard every aspect of our personalities. BUT.. Ahaaaaa, Mrs Exia, the game is up! I have discovered your weak spot, the chink in your armour - the simple, powerful reality that thoughts are not facts.
Thinking something is true doesn't mean that it actually IS. If a friend you wave to across the street doesn't wave back, is this because they didn't see you or because they've decided they hate your guts? It's all a matter of interpretation. Just because we decide they've spontaneously deemed us unworthy of a wave doesn't mean that they aren't actually just absorbed in figuring out how to get Johnny Depp to fall in love with them (I WILL find a way). Just because we think we're a terrible mother doesn't mean we are one. I know this may all sound a bit obvious, but realising that your thoughts are not facts can be more than a bit handy for we insecure mums and those with PND.
Deep down, I know that no one can care for my son better than I can. I reckon Mother Exia's days are numbered around here. And now I'm off to gulp down a Mars Bar and a couple of cupcakes just to piss her cousin off as well.
I'm glad you're blogging - seeing those thoughts in black and white makes you re-think them and stop believing them as much - and blogging honestly about PND helps so many mothers. It also means people will read it and comment and say that you aren't alone in thinking like that - and you aren't right when you do ;-) you're a great Mum - the very fact that you worry proves that.
ReplyDeleteThere is so much pressure to do the right thing as a parent, especially as a mother. Mothers carry the burden of guilt mostly.
ReplyDeleteTrouble is, who determines what is right? Child rearing practices change over time, things go in and out of fashion, even safety procedures like where and how your baby sleeps changes. So no wonder us mums feel like we are constantly being judged and found wanting.
The best advice I ever got whilst in the midst of bawling my eyes out over very painful breastfeeding was a heaven sent midwife, who simply said to me: trust your instincts. You know what's best for your baby. She gave me permission to accept my own ability to listen to my baby and fulfill her needs. I went on to breastfeed for 2 and a half years ( shock horror! but it worked for her and me)
Now I'm a grandma and passing this same 'trust your instincts' advice on to my own daughter.
As Elizabeth says above, the fact that you worry, carry guilt, means you care.
Who said motherhood is easy? It is the hardest ( but ultimately the most rewarding but at times thankless) job in the world.
This is such a good post. I started off really worried, and ending up laughing out loud! And isn't that a perfect reflection of PND? Found you on Love New Blogs. I also had/have PND, and am thinking about setting up a site similar to Love New Blogs for bloggers to share their depression stories. Do you mind me asking - have you seen anything like this out there already? I know there are numerous forums, but I haven't seen anything that encourages people to really tell their stories.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much and thank God for Love New Blogs..not really sure how else I'd have got the word 'out there'. I do know of one PND site which encourages storytelling - it's http://www.pni.org.uk/stories.htm. I think you can never have too many sites encouraging honesty and offering support, though. I love your blog, by the way.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely brilliant post. I also have PND and so much of this post rang true for me. Thanks so muh for posting x
ReplyDelete*great idea btw Actually Mummy x
Great post - I'm so pleased that PND is being talked about more, they were chatting about it on Lorraine this morning and there seems to be so much more information being put out there already since I suffered with it 3 years ago. It definitely helps to talk and write things down, and even acknowledging that I had it and there was a *reason* for why I was feeling and not feeling all these things was a massive step for me.
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Thank you for sharing. Blogs weren't around (i don't think) when I had PND and it was sooo hard. I am so glad you have some where to share. It will be okay. I am sure you are a great mom!
ReplyDeleteThere is so much pressure now days for mums. You have to be the perfect mother straight away, baby has to sleep through, not cry and you need to whip yourself back in to shape. Unfortunately, real life isn't like that! Babies cry, they scream even. You feel like you are being judged at every angle from several different people..and the media doesn't help showing us pictures of new celeb mothers and their ultra skinniness just days after giving birth!
ReplyDeletePND is horrid, but it sounds like you are taking hold of it and taking control! Good for you! xx
Great post. I would do well to remember that thoughts are not facts. Should become my mantra I think
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Hi Please keep sharing your experiences as this so helps others that are suffering to know that they are not alone, it is not their fault and with the right help,support, and patience will get better. There will be more good days and less bad believe me as I was there ten years ago and never thought I would come through that dark tunnel and see the light. I am campaigning for more awareness and aim to reduce the stigma of this o so common but often not talked about ILLNESS! PLEASE have a look at our website www.joebingleymemorialfoundation.org.uk for Joe's story and our research,stories, info and support. Love to all
ReplyDeleteDear Dinah,
ReplyDeleteI've just looked at the website for your foundation. Joe's story made me so sad, so angry and so determined to do more to help those with PND. The work you're doing is fantastic. Please let me know if there is ANYTHING at all I can do to help.
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I love your posts, It's like I'm writing them, I'm so glad I'm not completely alone in being completely mad!!
ReplyDeleteThank you. You're far from alone. Being nuts is the new black.
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