Oh shiiiiiiit. I broke the bloody rules and now my son's started waking up at 5.30 again. SHIT. He'd been doing this since forever until about a month ago when one miraculous morning, my atheist screams of 'For God's sake' must have been mistaken for prayers by some invisible force and he began to sleep until 6.30. God (yes, I'm willing to sell my soul) it was amazing. I began to be an almost nice person again. I even sometimes smiled in the mornings and managed to talk using vocab other than swear words. I remembered people's birthdays. I stopped kicking small dogs and old ladies. I went back to work, started going out in the EVENINGS. Life seemed to expand beyond my house again. Oooo. Lovely.
But then I bloody jinxed it. I broke the cardinal rule of motherhood 'thou shalt not speaketh out loud of positive changes'. How stupid could I have been? Everyone bloody knows that as soon as you relax or mention a potential 'turning point', it spins around, kicks you in the arse, gives you the v's and turns to turd. Every child is programmed from birth to recognise a slightly jovial tone in your voice. It sets off a chemical alarm in their brains telling them to take one of 10 possible courses of action:
1. Refuse to eat.
2. Hit/bite or pull the hair of any child or parent within range for at least 2 weeks.
3. Scream 'no' in response to any question even if you actually want to say 'yes'.
4. Shit out the sides of your nappy and if you run out of shit, puke.
5. Grafitti any pristine surfaces in biro.
6. Chuck water and/or plant pot dirt on the floor whilst staring at a parent knowingly.
7. Contract an illness.
8. Learn how to say 'mummy hit me' to nursery staff/policemen/neighbours.
9. Never, ever get in your buggy without a fight.
10. Wake up very, very early.
So, I'm buggered. I'm going to have to retract again, cancel social arrangements with friends who might have mistakenly started thinking I'm back on the scene again, rethink wtf I'm going to do about working like a normal person again and turn all grumpy and nasty again. OR I could instead repeat the mantra 'it's just a fucking phase' until my son decides it is again. It's just a fucking phase. It's just a fucking phase..