Warning - This post isn't funny. It's anything but lighthearted, packed full of whinge and it will piss on your festive cheer.
I bloody hate my son today. He's being a total, utter shit and I'd like him to fuck off. He's in that Jekyll and Hyde phase where I get the hideous manifestation of all that is ugly and bad and everyone else gets charm and cuteness. Somehow this doesn't seem quite fair. Why is it necessary for humans (especially boy humans) to go through this 'being shit to the human being who has kindly donated all of themselves (body, mind, soul and sanity) to their well being' phase? It's like a larva feeding on their host - y'know, one of those insects who let their eggs hatch inside them and then eat their way out of their bodies.
I have to walk out of the room just to stop myself from shouting 'fuck off' or worse at him. I just don't like him very much. Guilt guilt guilt. And it's bloody Christmas. I'm going to poo on his presents.
I have just one thing on my Christmas list this year : Dear Santa, Please help my son to learn that treating your mother like shit is bad, adopting a whining tone of voice is counterproductive and throwing stuff is just stupid. Please help him to understand that it's nice to be nice. Quickly. Thanks. Ho ho ho.