Last week I asked whether any scientific research ever has proved that having a child turns you into a dumb cow. Since then, I have delved; I have rummaged and I have focussed. I managed to read scientific papers beyond their abstracts. I was distracted by neither green grass nor dark chocolate. And now, my mission is complete. Hold onto your horns...here are the results...(irritatingly long pause as per all competition-based entertainment shows)..Mothers, you’re continuing to the next round. Moothers, your time here has come to an end.
I’m going to summarise the research because the details are a little bit on the dull-side. There HAVE been quite a few studies which have indicated that during and immediately after pregnancy, a mother’s mental capacity can be reduced. This is reflected in a depletion in memory, slower reaction time and an erosion of verbal skills - otherwise expressed as ‘Remind me why I love you again, man who made me push a baby out of my vagina?.....Sorry, yes, thank you for my cup of tea, but I’d rather have a vat of red wine and morphine.......F*cking boll*xing hell, that sh*tting hurt more than ANY of you liars told me it bloodyIjuswantaschleeep’.
However, and it’s a BIG HOWEVER, these negative effects are said to only exist up to two weeks after having a baby. After that, the most extensive studies conclude, the female brain and all the abilities within remain entirely unchanged compared to pre-pregnancy. In a 10 year study of women before and after they had children, there was absolutely no difference in the performance of mothers and non-mothers in all cognitive, memory or verbal tasks. Ha! In your FACE, Mother-Doubters! And, yes, that’s me included.
There is ONE little postscript I should mention, though - a little bastard we all know and detest, sleep deprivation. Getting less than 5 hours sleep per night can mess you up right good and proper. Memory, reasoning, the lot. No surprises there. If you don’t control for lack of sleep (which is what they do in most studies) then mothers sometimes perform worse than well-slept non-mums. Yes, I know we could have probably guessed that lack of sleep was the culprit, but the important thing is that EVERYONE - men, rats...cows (OK, so I couldn’t find any studies in cows, but I’m sure they feel the pain too) - suffers if sleep deprived. Why you might sometimes feel a bit stupid is nothing to do with your lack of brain, mothers. Your brain power is right there waiting to be fueled up by zzzs again. That time WILL come. So, give yourselves a break. Stop thinking that you’re turd. You aren’t. You are TIRED. I think I’m shouting this so loudly because I really need to hear it myself. And if I don’t start listening soon, I really AM a stupid moother.