Moooooooooooo. Moooooo-therhood has turned me into a cow. I don’t mean because of becoming a full-time milk supplier - those days are happily long gone and not much missed. I mean because I am now a stupid, silly cow, fit only to munch grass all day. Yes, I KNOW I don’t even have the udders to prove it (my back is pretty much identical to my front), but you just need to listen to anything that comes out of my mouth now or look at my performance at work to know it's true. I am forgetful, inarticulate, ill-informed and generally crap. I’m honestly quite surprised I even remember to go to the toilet instead of just letting it all out on my Employer’s bright red 'inspiring creativity' carpet.
Hmmm. I seem to be waging war against a cliche and losing. Before I had my son, I used to become ferociously irate about the way society has perpetuated the idea that having a baby turns women into bovine idiots. Now, having returned to work, the person who seems to need the most convincing that the above is all bollocks seems to be me.
My new favourite word in the office and beyond is ‘sorry’.....as well as ‘fuck’...but then that’s always been a firm favourite (sorry, mum). I actually appear to be swearing every other word at work now, possibly because I’m not allowed my fix at home in case the resident impersonator adopts this obviously clever word for his new routine, possibly because mooo-therhood has munched away at the part of my brain responsible for vocabulary. Oooopppsss..where was I? I do this all the time - lose my train of thought. Is this also to do with having had a child? Am I indeed mentally inferior? Should I be feeling as grateful as I am that my Employer has so charitably employed someone so obviously turd? There are way too many questions being answered by my internal Captain Paranoia and Insecurity right now. I need facts. Proper, scientific facts. I’m going to do some research - that’s what I’m supposed to be skilled in, after all.
I’m going to find out if there have ever been any valid studies ever which have supported the view that having a baby messes with your mental abilities. I’ll be back... IF I can remember where I’m supposed to be...or what I was supposed to be doing....oooo...look, some lovely, tasty grass...