So, it turns out it was bloody lucky I didn't drink the aforementioned shit-load of cocktails as I've discovered I was actually 7 weeks pregnant at the time. Unexpectedly, unintentionally pregnant. Having wrestled with whether I should have another child given how difficult I've found having my first, my body, or rather SOMEONE's body (withdrawal method is supposed to involve WITHDRAWAL) seems to have made the decision for me. The 12 week scan confirmed it wasn't just a hairball...and now I'm heading into my 16th week.
I've been tempted to write about this before now - I know it's been months since my last post, but I've been feeling too ashamed of my negative emotions to express them publicly. When 3 pregnancy tests all determinedly displayed their double blue lines, my reaction wasn't joy, it was panic. All I felt was fear. I cried until I finally called a friend just to hear someone I trusted say 'it'll be alright'. I feel guilty now writing this. I know people who have been battling to conceive for a long time - I hate myself for not feeling more grateful. I feel I don't deserve this baby.
Conflicting with this is an immediate surge of 'now you're jinxing it - there'll be something wrong with him/her'. Those fierce claws of animal protectiveness are instinctively drawn. Already, I know I'll do all I can to make sure this baby is happy and healthy. My worry is that my all won't be enough, that I won't be as strong as I need to be, that I'll fail. I know I should be figuring out how to fight the possible PND and the insanity that descends with the sleepless nights, just as I've proclaimed I would in my previous posts. I'm just not there, yet. I'm all a bit lost, a bit happy-sad, a bit duffed up. 16 weeks ago I was almost in control of where I was going and now someone else is..and they're not divulging directions. I'm not really sure where I am, anymore. Hopefully I will be soon.
I've been tempted to write about this before now - I know it's been months since my last post, but I've been feeling too ashamed of my negative emotions to express them publicly. When 3 pregnancy tests all determinedly displayed their double blue lines, my reaction wasn't joy, it was panic. All I felt was fear. I cried until I finally called a friend just to hear someone I trusted say 'it'll be alright'. I feel guilty now writing this. I know people who have been battling to conceive for a long time - I hate myself for not feeling more grateful. I feel I don't deserve this baby.
Conflicting with this is an immediate surge of 'now you're jinxing it - there'll be something wrong with him/her'. Those fierce claws of animal protectiveness are instinctively drawn. Already, I know I'll do all I can to make sure this baby is happy and healthy. My worry is that my all won't be enough, that I won't be as strong as I need to be, that I'll fail. I know I should be figuring out how to fight the possible PND and the insanity that descends with the sleepless nights, just as I've proclaimed I would in my previous posts. I'm just not there, yet. I'm all a bit lost, a bit happy-sad, a bit duffed up. 16 weeks ago I was almost in control of where I was going and now someone else is..and they're not divulging directions. I'm not really sure where I am, anymore. Hopefully I will be soon.
Been there, been there, been there, been there, been there. I undersyand exactly how you must have been feeling as I went through the exact same thing. Such difficult, complex emotions. Keep talking and sharing and keep sharpening those fierce mama claws. You will be fine.
ReplyDeletePS: the withdrawal method: it doesn't work, kids. *knows*.
Thank you. I appreciate that. All very confusing. Love your writing, by the way.
ReplyDeleteJust in case of any further confusion, I mean 'appreciate that' in the 'am grateful for your words' sense, rather than telly-offy-through-gritted-teeth-I-already-KNEW-that sense. I am allergic to emoticons...although they could actually possibly be handy in these cases of equivocation..
DeleteYou totally deserve to be a mum - don't feel ashamed of any thoughts or feelings you have had or are having - I had awful thoughts when I fell pregnant - I was very scared - I ended up with horrid antenatal depression anyway. You'll get there - with all those pregnancy hormones, it all gets a bit nuts - are you on any meds for depression at the moment - if you are, stay on them. I took meds during my pregnancy and they helped me to tread water! Big hugs. Give us an update of how you get on! X.
ReplyDeleteI'd imagine that every woman has fear, nerves and worries (or sheer panic) however fleeting, when the reality of pregnancy hits. Don't let the guilt start already (there's loads of time for that!!?!)
ReplyDeleteYou had already decided to go for it, you'll be fine. Good luck and keep writing x
ps I'm also waiting for Aunty Flo with fear, following a unexpected bare back "experiment" by my husband! (sorry unnecessary information there)
Thank you! I've started feeling tiny kicks today, which is helping maternal feelings as well as WTF feelings.
ReplyDeleteThe post I never wrote would've explained that I had in fact decided to give it at least a year before trying for a baby-contrary to what the last post I wrote said. Serves me right for being a bad blogger.